Solace
by WritingJustBecause
Summary: Set sometime around the episode "Always a Godmother, Never a God" (Season 6). Lorelai's thoughts on Luke and what's going on in her life.


A/N: This was inspired by Taylor Swift's song "Call It What You Want". I'm not sure that Luke and Lorelai would be into Taylor Swift's music, but I've always thought these lyrics applied to their situation post Rory leaving Yale. I don't own Gilmore Girls or the song, but give it a listen if you're interested and haven't heard it yet, it's one of my favourites.

Thank you for reading! :)

My castle crumbled overnight  
I brought a knife to a gun fight  
They took the crown but it's alright

All the liars are calling me one  
Nobody's heard from me for months  
I'm doin' better than I ever was

'Cause, my baby's fit like a daydream  
Walking with his head down  
I'm the one he's walking to  
So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to  
My baby's fly like a jet stream  
High above the whole scene  
Loves me like I'm brand new  
So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to

All my flowers grew back as thorns  
Windows boarded up after the storm  
He built a fire just to keep me warm

All the drama queens taking swings  
All the jokers dressing up as kings  
They fade to nothing when I look at him

And I know I make the same mistakes every time  
Bridges burn, I never learn,  
At least I did one thing right, I did one thing right  
I'm laughing with my lover, makin' forts under covers  
Trust him like a brother, yeah you know I did one thing right  
Starry eyes sparkin' up my darkest night

My baby's fit like a daydream  
Walking with his head down,  
I'm the one he's walking to  
So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to  
My baby's fly like a jet stream,  
High above the whole scene  
Loves me like I'm brand new  
So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to

I want to wear his initial on a chain 'round my neck, chain 'round my neck  
Not because he owns me, but 'cause he really knows me  
Which is more than they can say, I  
I recall late November, holding my breath, slowly I said  
"You don't need to save me, but would you run away with me?"  
Yes

My baby's fit like a daydream  
Walking with his head down  
I'm the one he's walking to  
So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to  
My baby's fly like a jet stream  
High above the whole scene  
Loves me like I'm brand new  
So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to

It was a slow day at the inn. The Dragonfly was full of probably the most low maintenance guests she'd ever seen, Sookie hadn't had the slightest of accidents, and unfortunately even Michel was being annoyingly helpful. It was so slow that Lorelai had time to get to all of that paperwork she'd been meaning to get to for the past couple of months. Or at least that's what she told everyone she was doing. In reality, she'd gone into her office, closed the door, spread out the paperwork on her desk, sat down and caught sight of the photos near her computer screen—immediately getting side-tracked.

With a sigh she picked up the frame and stared at a photo of her and Rory at Rory's high school graduation. So much had changed in the few years since they'd stood at Chilton looking for a place to carve their initials into. Oh how she longed for high school Rory. This college-age Rory seemed to be a completely different person. It was worse than if she'd been body snatched, it was—it was…it was so out of the realm of what she thought was a possibility that she couldn't even come up with a proper reference. Dropping out of college? Stealing a boat? Arrested? Community service? All things she'd _never ever_ thought to associate with her daughter. Where had she gone wrong? She knew she wasn't the perfect June Cleaver kind of mother but she'd tried. Lord knows she did everything in her power to make sure Rory had a good life; a life where she felt and knew that she was loved and accepted for who she was. She'd tried to impart confidence and self–worth and courage and all of the things you needed to make it through life…and all it took was one off-base comment from some Hartford snob and Rory abandoned everything she'd been taught, everything she'd worked so hard to get. It still didn't make any sense to Lorelai. She couldn't figure out how the smart, determined, earnest girl she'd raised had become an unruly, stubborn, short-sighted young woman.

And the significance of Rory's change of address wasn't lost on Lorelai either. Rory had to have known how much it would hurt her mother to make that move. There was no way she couldn't know. There was no way that _Rory_—who was witness to decades of the strained relationship between Lorelai and her parents—couldn't know the pain she would cause by going to live there; at the house Lorelai had run away from for so many reasons…the most important being that she didn't want Rory being in that environment. Well, Lorelai thought sarcastically, so much for that.

And her parents—now that was a different story. For all the negative things she could say about her relationship with her parents—and there was a lot—there had always been one thing that she, Emily and Richard could agree on. One common thread amongst the three of them; they wanted the best for Rory. Now their opinions about what the best would be for Rory differed greatly, but they were two sides of the same coin. There were plenty of times over the years where they'd tried to impart their lifestyle on Rory…tried to steer her in the direction of cocktail parties and country clubs and cashmere sweater sets—tried to guide her in areas they'd clearly failed at with Lorelai. And on some level, Lorelai understood. She understood that she was a major disappointment to them. That they didn't agree with or even comprehend the life she'd made for herself and they were trying to make sure the same things didn't happen with their granddaughter. But they'd gone too far this time. In no way was dropping out of school in Rory's best interest! In no way was undermining their daughter going to help the situation at all! _God_, she thought angrily, if they'd just _stuck to the plan_, they could've—Lorelai closed her eyes tightly. With a sigh she released a fraction of the tension in her body and let the pen she was holding in a vice grip fall to the desk. There was no use going over it all again. She didn't know why she had even gone to them for help in the first place. Call it a moment of naiveté, but she actually thought that her parents would listen to her, trust that she had her daughter's best interest at heart, and know by the simple fact that she was voluntarily coming to them for help, that what she was saying was serious and important to her. And the funny thing was, she'd left their house that day feeling a little bit lighter about everything. They were all on the same page and they had a plan of action. It wasn't much but it was something.

But then the scene played out as it always had before; Emily and Richard thinking they knew what was best, and doing what they wanted, regardless of how anyone—specifically Lorelai—would feel about it. Sad as it was to think about, Lorelai realized that it'd been that way her whole life. Someone somewhere had decided early on that the Gilmores were a team, and Lorelai wasn't on it. Try as she might, she could never mould herself to fit their expectations, and the chasm that created informed a lot of their relationship. She could remember being very young and feeling like an outsider in her own home with her own family. It was a feeling that never really went away. It was always_ her_ against _them_, and that dynamic was never more evident than it was now.

Lorelai swallowed back the tears that threatened. She was so tired. And so worried. She was tired of fighting, with her parents, with Rory…she knew Rory was a grown woman now, but Lorelai was still her mother and it was her right to worry about her kid. She always would. She really hoped that all of this wouldn't permanently change their relationship. That one day, she and Rory would get back to being both best friends and mother and daughter. She missed her so much. Sometimes it felt like nothing would ever be the same again. It was a depressing way to think, and while Lorelai wasn't one prone to pessimism, with every day that passed it was increasingly hard to think anything else. She didn't feel like herself. She felt weak, and brittle…and annoyingly vulnerable. She hated being vulnerable. All and all, it amounted to a constant feeling of sadness that never fully went away. That was her default setting now; sad. She didn't want to be that way, but there it was.

With a deep breath Lorelai got up and gathered her things. It was time to go home. She wasn't getting any work done anyways, and if she was just going to sit there and do nothing she'd rather do that on her couch, in PJ's, neck deep in a pint of rocky road.

The drive home was quick, and she made a beeline for her bedroom when she got there. Minutes later she was changed into her definitely-staying-in-for-the-evening outfit; sweat pants and a hoodie, and was on her way to the kitchen. Stopping at the coffee machine to start a pot, Lorelai picked up the sticky note attached to it.

_Fresh boysenberry pie on the counter by the cookie jar. Save me a slice. Luke_

Lorelai's face softened as she read. She looked down the counter and assumed the foil-covered, pie-shaped dish held the boysenberry goodness, and turned back to start the coffee. She didn't know why she was surprised to find the machine already set, just waiting for her to hit the start button…but it made her eyes fill with tears.

Because in the midst all of the anger and sadness that was currently surrounding her life, there was Luke. Luke was the silver lining.

She hit the start button on the machine and waited for it to percolate. _Luke_, she thought with sigh of relief. He was by far the best thing in her life right now. Lorelai wasn't much for prayer, but she wanted to thank whoever was up there for him every day. She'd long since known how great he was. Even before they got together, he was there. Whenever she needed…anything really, he was there. As a friend, he supported her, protected her, worried for her, helped in whatever way he could. And after that first night at Sniffy's, all of that had been amplified tenfold. He made her _so_ happy. She wasn't entirely sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way she'd let him in completely. Lorelai had never been able to do that with anyone before. Rory came the closest, but even then, a parent was supposed to shield their kid from certain things, and that sometimes required putting up boundaries. But with Luke…she could be her whole self with him. He accepted every part of her, and what's more, she trusted him to see all of it.

She fixed her coffee, grabbed a fork and the pie and headed for the couch. She settled in then took the sticky note out of the pocket of her hoodie and read it again. She let out a soft breath at his request to save him a slice. It was a fairly normal thing for anyone to ask, especially anyone who knew about her eating habits, but Luke wasn't just anyone. It was the bane of her existence trying to get Luke to eat dessert with her. He'd never come out and say it, but she knew the request for pie was just another attempt on his part to lift her spirits. It was typical Luke. He'd go out of his way to make her happy, even if that meant making himself uncomfortable, or doing something he didn't want to do.

Lorelai re-pocketed the sticky note and started eating her pie. She turned the TV on to fill the quiet of the house and flipped around until she found a re-run episode of M.A.S.H. She wasn't really interested in watching anything, but a comedy couldn't hurt. Maybe Radar could cheer her up. She ate her pie and zoned out, her hand absently playing with the pendant on her necklace. It was an old necklace but she'd been wearing it a lot recently. It was one of the few things she'd splurged on when they were living in the potting shed. In hindsight, it hadn't been very expensive, but because it wasn't a necessity, it had seemed like a frivolous purchase at the time. She'd seen it in a store on one of their rare trips to the mall. She remembered that particular trip because it was the first in what became a yearly tradition; school shopping.

Rory was starting kindergarten, and was, of course, _very_ excited about it. Lorelai, not so much. She was happy that Rory was ready to conquer the academic world, but truthfully it made her a little sad. Her baby was growing up. They'd never really been away from each other. The only other people she entrusted her daughter to for long periods of time were Sookie and Mia, and even then, sleepovers were few and far between. Lorelai knew she was going to miss having Rory trail behind her while she worked. She hadn't been planning on buying herself something during their school shopping, Lord knew she needed to save every penny she could, but she saw it hanging on a jewellery stand and had to have it. It was a simple silver chain with a block letter 'L' pendant. It wasn't eye catching and nobody would really notice it behind her uniform, but she liked that the 'L' stood for both she and her daughter. And silly as it sounded, it helped make sending her baby off to school a little easier. She felt like she'd have Rory with her even when she wasn't there. And that's what she told Rory when she bought it.

Now, time had dulled its shine, but she still loved it. She'd always told Rory that it was_ their_ necklace, the 2 Lorelais, but recently she'd started including Luke in there as well. It was a secret she'd probably never tell anyone, not even the man himself, but the idea that he was always with her was comforting. Lorelai always prided herself on being the kind of girl that did not get completely absorbed in her romantic relationships. She was independent, could take care of herself, and didn't _need_ anyone except for Rory. But deep down she knew that when she and Luke became friends, that all changed.

In the beginning, she held fast to their proprietor/customer relationship. But little by little Luke became the person she turned to. He was her main food provider, handyman, sounding board, and about a million other things. Without her even realizing it, Luke had become an indispensable part of her life.

Lorelai hung onto the idea that she and Rory were all she needed until she couldn't anymore. When she and Luke got together, she knew there was a strong possibility that she would fall for him. She just didn't think it would happen so fast. As a friend, she depended on him. As they got closer—she could admit to herself—she'd come to _need_ him; his smiles, his rants, his quiet certitude that everything would be ok…just him. That's not to say she couldn't survive without him, because she could…but, their lives were so entwined that she couldn't imagine going through anything without him anymore, and she really didn't want to. Having Luke as her partner made everything better. He made _her _better. Lorelai was well aware of the many ways she'd screwed up in her life. She'd made her fair share of mistakes, but she must've done something right along the way. It was just like that part in The Sound of Music. When Maria and the Captain declare their love for each other and she sings about how she must've done something good in her past to have the Captain's love now.

Even after almost a year together Lorelai still wasn't used to the idea that Luke was in love with her. She knew she was in love with him—had been for longer than she'd care to admit. It was easy to love Luke. It was just the Luke loving _her_ part that she sometimes wondered at. She didn't know what she did to deserve him or a love that was so innately _good_, but she was grateful either way.

Luke was a juxtaposition of a lot of things; sweet and surly, predictable and mysterious…he was monosyllabic, and maybe sometimes a few of her references went over his head, but somehow, when it mattered, he always knew just the right thing to say. Like last week when they were on the couch watching Back to the Future…for once, they were both following the movie night rules, but that was only because Lorelai was deep in thought. She'd gone down the Rory-dropping-out-of-school-Gilmore-family-house-of-horrors rabbit hole again, and thought she was being inconspicuous when she asked Luke if he would run away with her. He'd turned his head to look at her and simply said, "Sure. Where are we going?" Lorelai reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze, then turned back to the movie before any tears could fall, still holding onto him. She didn't say anything, but she didn't need to, they both knew she wasn't going anywhere. She was overwhelmed with all of the things going on in her life and that was her way of saying it without actually saying it. After they returned to the movie, Lorelai sat in quiet amazement at how Luke was able to read her so well. Another man might've tried to fix the problem, given her solutions and a plan of action—and Luke was certainly prone to fixing things, but he knew that's not what she needed in that moment. He knew she needed to feel supported, less alone…she needed a sympathetic ear and a hand to hold, and that's what he offered her without reservation.

The sound of the front door opening brought her back to the present moment.

"Lorelai? I'm home!"

"On the couch!" She called back. Luke rounded the corner into the living room, dropped a kiss on her cheek and flopped down beside her. His hand immediately found her leg and rubbed it absentmindedly.

"Did you eat yet?" He asked, taking her fork out of her hand. She shook her head in response and watched in amusement as he cut a piece out of her slice and ate it casually, as if he did that all the time.

"I was thinking tacos for dinner, is that ok?

"Mhm," She nodded. "How was your day?"

"Oh you know, pancakes, burgers, fries…the usual. How was your day?"

"It's better now," she replied. And even though everything was still a mess, Lorelai smiled her first real smile of the day.

-END-


End file.
